Are You in an Abusive Situation?
Abuse can involve obvious forms of physical violence, controlling behaviours or harassment. However, abusive behaviour can be difficult to recognize or is quickly dismissed. There are numerous types of abuse and some forms are not as obvious as others.
It may take some time to recognize that you are in an abusive or dangerous situation.
Abusive situations always involve non-consent. You may have had to obey certain commands or change your behaviour. You may have been intimidated, frightened, harassed or physically injured. These situations will have a serious effect on your health, self-confidence or social life.
If you are fully aware of the abuse it is common to feel confused, angry and unable to leave or report the situation.
It can also be difficult to find help or support.
Below are a number of questions that may help you to reflect on your own experience.
The questions are divided into different sections including:
1) Thoughts, Feelings, Behaviours & Health
2) What is important to you?
3) Leaving or taking steps to leave an abusive situation
1) Thoughts, Feelings, Behaviours & Health
Please think about the following:
Thoughts
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Feelings
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Behaviours
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Health
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2) What is Important to You?
Please think about the following:
What or who is more important to you?
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How do you feel about the person or people that are hurting you?
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What would you like to see happen?
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What is clear to you?
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3) Leaving or taking steps to end an abusive situation.
Deciding to leave or end an abusive situation is difficult and may take months or even years.
There are a number of steps that you can take that may make the transition easier including:
Evaluating or reflectingRepeatedly asking yourself if this situation is what you really want and thinking about alternatives can help you to be clear about your own thoughts and feelings. Keep a diary / logbook (somewhere safe) of your experiences. Answer questions (similar to the ones above) about the situation and think about your future. |
SupportFinding support (through trusted friends or professionals) is an important starting point. While you may feel isolated or alone there are people available that can help you through this initial phase. |
Legal rightsAbusive and threatening behaviour is a criminal issue. Being aware of your rights can help to protect you, your assets and others close to you such as children. |
Finances or living arrangements (if applicable)If this behaviour is occurring at home, it may be helpful to save and hide some money before leaving. It is also important if you are living with your partner to arrange some alternative or temporary accommodation. Regardless of your situation it may be important to increase the security in and around where you live. |
Personal well-being & protectionLeaving or taking steps to end an abusive situation can be a dangerous time. The perpetrator(s) may try to stop you from leaving or continue abusive and threatening behaviour after you have left / reported the situation. It may be helpful to develop a protection plan with the assistance of a trusted friend or professional. |
It is important that you and those close to you remain safe. If you are worried about the situation, please seek professional help as soon as possible.
Contact details of support services in your area can be found here
Are you worried about a friend or family member?
You may have a loved one such as a friend, child or parent who is involved in an abusive relationship or whose partner is displaying increasingly worrying behaviour.
You may be worried about a loved one who is the target of community violence, antisocial activity or harassment.
Many questions and frustrations arise when trying to help your loved one.
How a loved one has reacted to their own situation will impact upon the decisions they make as well as the options they feel are available to them. It is possible that your loved one is emotionally drained, scared, feeling humiliated, depressed or angry.
Denying that any problem exists or minimizing the seriousness of the situation is common.
Admitting that they need support or sharing details of their experience can be extremely difficult.
Common reactions to distressing incident(s) and situations include:
- Extreme changes in appearance (Example: weight loss/gain)
- Extreme changes in demeanour including self-confidence or levels of aggression
- Sleep disturbances
- Increased stress levels
- Involvement in risky behaviour such as substance abuse and promiscuity
- Decreased levels of concentration
- Anxiety or panic attacks
- Avoiding others and socializing.
- Lessened trust in others.
Regardless of the type of situation and emotions that a loved one is experiencing there are a number of ways that you can provide support.
Below are a few basic guidelines that may help you to support those close to you.
What you can do
What you should avoid
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Close & Intimate relationships
If your loved one is in an abusive or potentially dangerous relationship with an intimate partner or family member the strength or intensity of this bond can affect your attempts to help.
In an intimate relationship your loved one knows their partner well. They know the dynamics of the relationship better than anyone else.
It is often extremely difficult to confront an intimate partner about their behaviour. The decision to challenge a partner can make the situation or behaviours worse. It is important that your loved one feels supported and is aware that this support will remain available if they decide to end or make changes in the relationship.
Trying to help someone when abusive, violent or worrying behaviour is within the family can also be problematic. Like intimate relationships, strong emotional bonds have been formed and continue throughout the situation.
Your loved one may feel very protective over those that may be hurting them or displaying potentially dangerous behaviour. They may try to push you away during attempts to help. It is important that the situation is treated with sensitivity and understanding.
It is also important that you understand the situation and the many factors that are involved. Attempting to guess the outcome or consequences of a loved one’s situation particularly where there is a longstanding relationship is difficult. This can depend on many factors including:
Important factors may include:
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Often it can be difficult to understand why people remain in abusive situations or refuse to report those that are hurting them. It is important to keep in mind a number of possible factors including:
Possible reasons may include:
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Abusive relationships or situations vary considerably. If you wish to help a loved one it is important to consider all the factors involved in the situation. If you remain unsure how to support your loved one, please seek professional advice about your individual case.
Contact details of support services in your area can be found here
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Are you worried about your own behaviour?
Below are a number of questions that will help you to think about your own behaviour.
Using violent or abusive behaviour against another is a choice made by you. There are a number of steps that you can take to change your behaviour.
These questions are for you alone. Your answers will not be viewed by anyone else.
Please be as honest with yourself as possible.
Some of these behaviours, thoughts and feelings may not apply to you. This does not mean that your behaviour is not seriously affecting you and others close to you.
There is a short section at the end that may help to identify early warning signs or triggers that precede (happen before) the use of violent or abusive behaviour.
Your Behaviour
Behaviours
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Thoughts
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Feelings
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Early warning signs and triggers
Using abusive or violent behaviour against another is never justified or acceptable. There may be a number of factors that precede the choice to act in a violent or abusive manner.
Identifying these triggers or early warning signs can help to decrease the likelihood that you will self-harm or hurt those close to you.
It is important to be able to recognize the factors or triggers that increase the likelihood of destructive or abusive behaviour.
Triggers are person-specific. Different people will have different triggers. It is important that you think about the factors that impact on your choice to be violent or abusive. It is also important that you seek appropriate and professional help.
What are the main warning signs or triggers (For example: increased feelings of anger / frustration, changes in mood, relationship issues etc.)?
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What can I do when these early warning signs arise? (For example: talking to someone, using positive coping strategies, avoiding those that I might hurt etc.) |
Are there social settings / outside activities that can provide an immediate positive distraction when these warning signs are present? |
Who are the people or professionals that I ask for help? |
What is the contact details of people or professionals that will help me? |
If you are worried about your own behaviour please seek professional advice and help as soon as possible.
Contact details of support services in your area can be found here
Have you recently left an abusive situation?
Leaving or ending an abusive situation is incredibly difficult. It takes determination and courage.Many people think that once they have left an abusive situation the hardest part is behind them. However, this period is often quite turbulent, filled with confusion and possibly legal battles.
It can also be a particularly dangerous time in terms of personal safety.The perpetrator(s) may continue abusive and threatening behaviour after you have left or reported the situation.
Of primary concern is your well-being. Being involved in an abusive situation can have serious effects on your emotional or physical health as well as your social support network.
In order to increase your safety please think about the following:
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Having truly supportive people around you will also help during this transition. If you are socially isolated please contact support services for additional assistance.
While people can feel relieved after leaving an abusive situation there may also be conflicting feelings towards the perpetrator(s) as well as the new situation.
Commonly reported feelings include:
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The presence of these feelings can impact on how well a person will adjust without the perpetrator(s). It may also increase the likelihood that a person will return to the abusive situation.
If you are thinking of returning to a partner or a potentially abusive situation, please talk to a trusted friend or relative first. People often repeatedly leave and then return to an abusive situation. While this is common, it may prevent people from moving on with their lives. Please think carefully before making any decisions.
Contact details of support services in your area can be found here
Early Warning Signs
There are usually some important indicators (warning signs) before the onset of abusive behaviour particularly in intimate relationships.The ability to identify early warning signs can decrease the likelihood of victimization and increase your safety as well as those close to you.
It can be difficult to spot abusive behaviour particularly in the early stages of any intimate relationship. Abuse typically begins with subtle (unnoticeable) behaviours that escalate in frequency and severity overtime.
Below are a few examples of common early warning signs. Many of these warning signs will co-occur.
Time spent together.Spending a lot of time together is quite natural during the early stages of an intimate relationship. However, if your partner is insistent on being with you all of the time this could be an indication of potentially controlling behaviour. Spending less time with friends and family could also result in isolation and the destruction of an important social support network. |
Jealousy.Many people mistake jealousy and possessiveness early in the relationship as a sign of love. However, becoming excessively jealous over whom you speak to or spend time with may be an indication of future controlling behaviour. |
Extremes of behaviour.Being very loving and then extremely cold towards you without warning or for no apparent reason may represent a difficulty in coping with or accepting certain situations. Unpredictable behaviour particularly at extreme levels may prove problematic at a later stage especially if your partner has aggressive tendencies. Many abusers have "two faces". These people can be extremely outgoing, pleasant and seemingly supportive to friends, colleagues and members of the public while in private are very abusive. |
Attitudes.Many people have quite conservative views on how others should or ought to behave. However, it is important that very strict or ridged "codes of conduct" are not forced onto you. Enforced ideals may result in you altering the way you dress or how you act in certain situations. It may also increase the risk of abusive behaviour if you don't adhere to your partners strict ideals. |
Aggression.If your partner has the tendency to be excessively critical of and aggressive towards others (particularly those close to them or you) this may reflect a common thought pattern. Similar criticisms or the use of violence may be directed at you at a later stage. |
Drugs / alcohol or outside stress.Drugs, alcohol or increased stress are not the causes of abusive or aggressive actions against a partner. Being abusive is a choice. If your partner regularly blames their behaviour on these or other factors they are not taking responsibility for their own actions. Failing to take responsibility or blaming others for their actions may be an indication that abusive behaviours directed at you at a later stage will be denied or the seriousness of the situation minimized. |
Controlling and abusive behaviours will increase in severity and frequency overtime. You may be in the relationship for a while, have joint financial responsibilities or children with your partner before realizing that you are in a dangerous and serious situation.
The longer an abusive relationship lasts, the more difficult it is to leave.
Physical violence
Many people miss early warning signs of abuse as physical violence has either never been used or used infrequently.Unfortunately, abuse is typically thought of as primarily involving physical violence. This is not always the case.
Many people are subjected to repeated emotionally abusive or controlling behaviours particularly during the early stages of a relationship. This may or may not be accompanied by physical assault.
Most people define domestic abuse in terms of injuries sustained and the severity of or regularity with which physical violence is used.
If physical violence is not a factor or has been used a few times during the early stages of the relationship it is likely that people will not recognize the early warning signs of abuse.
How regular physical violence is used can depend on a number of factors.
Important factors include:
- People consciously or unconsciously change their behaviour in order to avoid future aggression or violence
- People excuse any signs of aggression or violence
- People minimize the seriousness of forceful or aggressive behaviour
- People blame themselves or outside factors for the violent behaviour of others
- People understate injuries sustained by viewing bruising or small cuts as minor in comparison to stereotypical images of "domestic violence"
If you remain unsure about your safety in an intimate relationship please see the contact details of support services in your area for further information here
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